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AMANDA AMORY ~ WRITER

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Amanda Amory - Writer
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ACT 1. SCENE 1. THE ROYAL PALACE

 

UNSEEN NARRATOR: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome to  the stage – Nanny Nuro Fen!

 

[NANNY NURO FEN enters through the audience, waving to them and high fivin' a  few of them as she does. She has in her hands a shopping bag and walking onstage, places the bag near the side. The CHORUS come onstage and join her for the opening number, "Let Me Entertain You". The song ends and THE CHORUS exits]

 

NANNY NURO FEN: (To audience and in Welsh accent) Alrigh' boys and girls? How's it goin'? Alrigh'?... Are you all ready for a good time? (Audience responds). Cracking. You all look immense tonight. Much better than those crabby lot last night.

 

[NANNY opens her shopping bag]

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Anyways, I've just been to Asda, getting some last minute food for the new Princess's christening later. (Pause, then) You have read about it in the papers, haven't you? About the new addition to the Royal Family? 

 

[FX: The theme tune to The Royle Family is played. NANNY NURO FEN rolls her eyes as she looks down at the CONDUCTOR in the Orchestra Pit]

 

NANNY NURO FEN: No, not that Royal Family!  

 

CONDUCTOR: (Sheepishly) Sorry, Nanny Nuro Fen…

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Honestly, you can't get the staff these days.  Anyhoo, the King and Queen have finally become parents, and to a beautiful baby girl called Aurora. That's a lovely name, isn't? Today is her christening and all the good fairies in the land have been invited and will bring cracking gifts too.

 

[QUEEN ADELPHI enters the stage carrying the baby in her arms]

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: (To Audience) Hello. You alright? Oh, that's good.

 

[The baby makes a lovely cooing sound. The QUEEN looks down at her and smiles. NANNY coos over her as well]

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: She's beautiful, isn't she? I can't believe she's finally here! And she's going to rely on me and her Daddy for the rest of her life… (Pause) I am worried, though, Nuro Fen…

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Why? What's occurring? 

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: Well, it's this christening… All the good fairies arecoming and I couldn't be happier that they are, but… I didn't invite Elvira and she's bound to get the hump that I didn't and I wouldn't put it past her to ruin the day. I shouldn't have posted the invite on Facebook. And I shouldn't have added Elvira as a friend in the first place. I mean, yeah, we were friends but that was ages ago. And she's changed. She's evil, Nuro Fen…

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Well, don't be worrying about that, you can always block her. And anyway, by the time she finds out the christening will be over and it'll be too late for her to do anything about it.

QUEEN ADELPHI: You think so? 

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Of course. The King's not gonna tell her. You’re not going to tell her and I'm not going to tell her so it'll be OK.

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: I hope so.  [A pause, then she sniffs the air then makes a face while looking at the baby]

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Er, Your Highness, we have a code brown nappy situation…

 

[QUEEN ADELPHI sniffs the air as well and makes the same face] 

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: Lovely…

 

BLACKOUT

 

ACT 1, SCENE 2. OUTSIDE THE PALACE GATES  

 

 [ROBBIE and BOBBIE GANGZSTAAR come on stage dressed in long black coats and dark glasses]

 

ROBBIE: Ah, boys and girls, the Queen is worried that The Evil Elvira will find out about Aurora's christening… 

 

BOBBIE: Yeah, it's a shame, innit? On the happiest days of their lives as well… (Laughs out loud) Yeah, right! Like we care!  

 

ROBBIE: Too right! We're Robbie and Bobbie Gangzstaar… 

 

[They pose, gangster-like] 

 

BOBBIE and ROBBIE: And we're bad!

 

[CHORUS join them onstage for the song Bad. Song ends. CHORUS exits] 

 

ROBBIE: Yep, boys and girls, we're bad alright…and we're here to put a spanner in the works… and of course, carry the story along by adding an evil plot to the mix… (To ELVIRA offstage) Yo! Elvira! Over here! 

 

[FX: Creepy music as ELVIRA enters the stage in a puff of smoke]

 

ELVIRA: (To audience) Urgh! Look at you horrible lot. (audience boos) Ah, shut up. All children and ugly people should be seen and not heard…So it's a good job I can't see the back row. (To ROBBIE and BOBBIE) Oh, I forgot to tell you that I got a call for you both from the cast of The Matrix: they want their coats back. 

 

ROBBIE: That's funny; I got a similar phonecall from a gargoyle… about your face…

 

[ELVIRA and ROBBIE square off but BOBBIE pulls him back] 

 

BOBBIE: Don't get her upset, bruv; else we won't get paid… (Whispers) Mind you, you're right about that gargoyle… (To ELVIRA in normal voice) Er, we did what you asked, Elvira, and you were right; The King and Queen are having a christening for the new baby. Today at 3pm in the Palace. And all the good fairies are invited.

 

ELVIRA: Hmm, so they are having a christening and they didn't invite me…

 

ROBBIE: Hmm, can't think why (!)

 

ELVIRA: Yes, they probably thought that I would ruin things for them and make their special day a nightmare. Well, we can't disappoint them, can we? I'll make them pay for not inviting me; they'll rue the day they left Elvira off the guest-list. You did well, Biff and Baff.  

 

BOBBIE: Er, that's Robbie and Bobbie…

 

ELVIRA: Whatever. Well, I'd better get ready to give 'em a surprise of their lives…

 

[She starts to flounce off stage; ROBBIE stops her] 

 

ROBBIE: 'Ere, have you forgotten that you're supposed to pay us?

 

ELVIRA: Did you get a refund from that Charm School you went to? Don't worry, I haven't forgotten and you will get paid. I haven't got the cash on me right now, but once I've gone to the cashpoint after I've worked my magic at the shindig I will pay you as promised. Is that alright with you? 

 

ROBBIE: Just make sure you do…

 

[The two start to square off again; BOBBIE pulls him offstage. ELVIRA turns to the audience] 

 

ELVIRA: Well, of course, I have no intention of paying them, boys and girls. I'm not called Evil Elvira for nothing, you know.[She cackles evilly as she disappears in a puff of smoke]

 

BLACKOUT

 

NARRATOR: Ah, she's a bad 'un and no mistake… And she should really give up smoking… Anyway, the christening had passed by without a hitch in the Palace and Princess Aurora had been bestowed with many gifts and the guests that remain were having a good old knees-up – well, The King and Queen do put on a good spread – but they were unaware that the Queen's biggest worry was about to come true…

 

ACT 1, SCENE 3. THE ROYAL PALACE

 

[THE KING and QUEEN, NANNY NURO FEN, THE CHORUS and GOOD FAIRY LOULABELLE are onstage singing Celebration. ELVIRA sneaks onstage in disguise unnoticed. Song ends]

 

KING LYRIC: (To QUEEN) You see, my dear? Your worries were unfounded. The Christening was beautiful; Aurora was as good as gold and Hello! Magazine has promised us the front cover and centre spread in its next edition.

NANNY NURO FEN: And more importantly, Elvira was none the wiser it ever took place.So, all's well that ends well…

 

[ELVIRA throws off her disguise to gasps from the others] 

 

ELVIRA: I wouldn't bet on that if I were you, King Lyric…

 

KING LYRIC: Elvira! What are you doing here?! 

 

ELVIRA: I'm here to wish your new daughter well, of course, in my own special way. And as your friend, Adelphi, I was very hurt you didn't invite me.

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: We haven't been friends, Elvira, for years. And who told you?  

 

ELVIRA: That doesn't matter, Adelphi. What does matter is that you didn't invite me. And that was a big mistake… Loulabelle and her cronies may have already given the new baby their gifts, but mine is by far the best. When dear little Aurora turns sixteen, she will prick her finger on a spindle and die!

 

 [FX: the Eastenders "Duff-Duffs" as the CAST shake their heads from side-to-side in time to them. ELVIRA cackles and disappears into a puff of smoke and boos from the audience.

 

QUEEN ADELPHI cries into KING LYRIC'S shoulder. NANNY NURO FEN and LOULABELLE comforts her]

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: Oh, Lyric, what have I done?! 

 

KING LYRIC: Don't worry, Adelphi. We'll keep Aurora safe and I will ban every spindle in the kingdom. Anyone who is caught using one will be fined and imprisoned.

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: But what if that doesn't work? You know how evil and strong her magic is. Who do you think persauded David Cameron to form that coalition…?

 

KING LYRIC: Alright, dear, calm down; think of your blood pressure…

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: I can't calm down! That evil hag has ruined everything!

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Wait a minute; The Good Fairy Loulabelle hasn't bestowed her gift to Aurora yet. Maybe she can erase it so Aurora doesn't die.

 

LOULABELLE: Umm, I wish I could, but I can't… Adelphi's right; Elvira's magic is very strong… She also the one who made sure the TOWIE cast became famous… But I do have an idea. Nanny, your cousin Empathica, does she still run The School for Endangered Princesses?

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Yeah, she does. Oh, Empathica's lovely, she is. And such a hit with the men – like me. (Preens herself, then realising what LOULABELLE means, smiles triumphantly) Oh, Loulabelle, that is a great idea! Oh, it's a lush school, it is, Your Highnesses. Snow White and Cinderella attended themselves a few years back and come back every so often to give talks to the new students.

 

LOULABELLE: And evil magic cannot enter the school at all, not even Elvira's, so Aurora will be safe there.So my idea is: let her board there for a few years up until and after her 16th birthday and then the prophecy won't come true. But, if, for any reason, something does happen, then I will fix it with my gift to her, which is this: she won't die, but will fall into a deep sleep, only to be awakened back to life with a kiss by her one true love. But by that token, everyone in the Palace will fall asleep too.

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: Oh, I'm not sure about that…

 

KING LYRIC: But, my dear, what's the alternative? Letting her die?

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: I suppose so. I'm sorry, Loulabelle, I'm being ungrateful. And if your cousin, Nanny Nuro Fen can let her stay in her school we'd like that very much.

 

NANNY NURO FEN: Don't be worrying about that, she'd be happy to.

 

LOULABELLE: And I will do my best to keep her safe. That's what friends are for, after all...

 

[She singsThat's What Friends Are For. Song ends. LOULABELLE, The CHORUS and NANNY leave as QUEEN ADELPHI takes AURORA out of her crib and both parents look at her in wonderment]

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: Look at her. She's so beautiful. So perfect.  

 

KING LYRIC: That's because she takes after her mother. I mean, we don't want her inheriting my double chin, do we?

 

QUEEN ADELPHI: (Smiles) No, she'll inherit the best of you, I'm sure.

 

KING LYRIC: Right back at you, Wifey. She is lovely, though. Ooh, I feel a song coming on…

 

[QUEEN ADELPHI smiles again as KING LYRIC takes AURORA from her and starts to sing Isn't She Lovely and joins in. Song ends]